How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
