i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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