Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
