I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
