I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
