Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
