rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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