forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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