How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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