then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
