She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
