Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
