not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
