Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
