Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
