I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
