Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
