You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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