My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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