Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
