You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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