He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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