Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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