she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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