I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
