im drinking this country out of the recession.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I need water and some morals
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
