I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
this beer tastes like vomit already
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
