I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
