I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just sent this text using only my big toe
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
