I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
