Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
