I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
