I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
