kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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