She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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