Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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