Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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