I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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