my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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