i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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