I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
