So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How naked do you want me to be?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
