Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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