We won't sleep together?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
