Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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