I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
