Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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