When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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