how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
