Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Blood and glitter go together right?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
