So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
